How Our Friends Influence Our Relationships

Have you ever been out in a public setting and overheard a group of friends or colleagues talking about their partners and they’ve had absolutely nothing nice to say? I know I sure have, and listening to others complain and dig at their partners always leaves me feeling a bit stung, even though it wasn’t directed at me personally or intended for my little eavesdropping ears.  I’ve been there before too, trash talking my relationships with friends and I remember what it’s like and how good it can feel when my girlfriends chimed in and offered up their own pain points and complaints. The saying “misery loves company” rings true but I also realized something. If I wanted a healthy, happy, intimate relationship with my significant other, participating in these bitching sessions was not going to get me there. Don’t get me wrong, I have talked to my family and friends numerous times about issues I’ve experienced in my relationships, but the point of the conversation has been to work through my thoughts, identify my feelings and then communicate them to my partner. When we spend our time bashing our significant other, we bring that energy into our relationship whether our partner hears the conversation or not. All that negativity plays on behind the scenes. It shows up in our verbal responses, our body language and in our energy field. It’s like an invisible poison that circulates throughout the relationship. Being mindful of our conversations with our friends and being aware of friendships we have that constantly participate in this kind of dialogue can help us change this habit and begin to create new conversations that will support our relationships rather than drag them down. What we focus our energy on grows, so when we spend our time lamenting about how awful our partner is, that’s likely what we’ll focus on the most and over time we begin to believe it, whether its true or not.

Next time you notice this type of conversation happening between you and your friends try this; offer up a different perspective that has a positive spin on your partner and see what happens. Pay attention to how you feel once shifting your own perspective and notice how others react. Your friendships that have been built on this negative pattern and dialogue may change or fizzle out, but keep in mind this change is filtering out the parts or people that keep this unwanted behaviour going. The willingness to make changes to your social interactions can be difficult sometimes but what you will find on the other side is true intimacy and connection with others. The cloud of negativity and judgement won’t be present in your conversations anymore.

This shift has changed the way I spend time with my friends and has brought us closer together. It has also enriched my relationship with my boyfriend because I feel uplifted and supported when I see my friends rather than bogged down and drained. I return home feeling loved and nourished and this energy is what I want for all of my relationships.

For more information on building deeper connections with yourself and others visit

With Love,

Laura Smilski
Holistic Love & Relationship Coach
Luminous Living