As a coach, part of my work is to make suggestions to my clients. I like to give a bit of homework in some of our sessions to help with letting go of expectations so they can begin to feel better about their current romantic situation. One of my favorite things I recommend to them is this: Give yourself that which you are seeking from others. I know this can sound less than helpful because there are certain things you simply can’t give yourself because it doesn’t feel the same, right?! Well, I say, if you can give yourself as close to what you are looking for from someone else, you’ll be much better off and stand a chance at being happier. Once you realize that you are all you ever need to feel fulfilled, happy, content, giddy, desired and loved then there’s less pressure and expectations on someone else. This will not only allow you to feel more peaceful and OK with being single, but it will shift your energy making others more drawn to you. They will no longer feel the desperate energy radiating off of you and you will be more approachable and confident.
Now, getting back to the title of the article, as I was plugging along in my single life, I heard this advice too. Give myself what I wanted from others, make myself feel desirable, build it and they will come. “Sure, sure” I thought for a long time. But as the months rolled along, and NOTHING in my relationship status changed, I began to have a shift in this thinking. It was either keep on doing exactly what I was doing and keep seeing the same result, or, change the way I looked at things. One day while I was at work, I remembered a time when I had been dating someone I liked a lot. I remembered how he would send me messages during the day and how these messages would boost my mood immediately. I loved seeing my phone light up and having him say something like “Hey beautiful, just thinking of you, hope you are having a good day.” Man, those always made me smile. And so I had a thought. Just because I wasn’t seeing someone at that moment didn’t mean I couldn’t receive those messages. And I wanted to feel giddy and desired and adored at that moment, so I decided to send myself my own message. I opened my phone, typed in my phone number, and began drafting a little message to myself. I felt ridiculous at first but then I thought “who cares?!” I am giving myself what I want from someone else. I am desiring my own love and attention and there’s no need to feel ridiculous about that. And when my phone went off, and I opened my message, a huge smile spread across my face just as a co-worker was walking by my desk. He looked at me and said “Ahhh, I know that smile! Who are YOU talking to?!” I couldn’t help but laugh out loud at his comment because it had worked! I had changed my mood and my thoughts and my feelings, even if only for a second. I had shifted my feelings of loneliness and others had noticed. They assumed I was flirting with some guy and that made the whole thing even better. I did feel giddy and amused and lighthearted. I didn’t feel pathetic or stupid, I refused to have those thoughts. I was taking control of my own happiness and I realized that it was completely possible. I also realized how important it was. I didn’t know how long I was going to be single but I did know that I deserved to be happy and to feel adored. So if I had to give this to myself, then I would. I was worth it after all, and so are you.
If there are things you are waiting for from others to be happy, I say don’t wait. Give these things to yourself. Maybe they won’t look exactly the same, but find a way to give yourself the feelings you are longing for. Take the pressure off of an outcome, release expectations and enjoy the freedom of knowing you are taking care of yourself.