Why we rush to define a relationship too soon

“Be strong enough to let go and patient enough to wait for what you deserve”

~ Unknown

Have you ever been told to calm down, chill out, be cool or just relax when it comes to dating or meeting someone new? I can’t even count the amount of times I heard those statements from others when I was dating and looking for my soul mate. I’d get so excited after the first or second date that I’d begin planning out our next month, two months, six months and so on. I’d wonder out loud to others what they thought it meant when he said this, or did that and I constantly thought about how much he liked me or if he wanted to date me exclusively and I’d make up dialog about what he would say if I brought it up. I spent so much of my mental and emotional energy on someone else that I barely had enough for myself. I’d be an anxious mess before a date and would have to sit in meditation to get grounded even though it rarely worked. I focused on being funny, positive, smiling and likeable and would have thoughts like “Laura, don’t blow this one.” Talk about being positive! Not.

I was walking down the street the other day on my way back to work after lunch and I started totally eavesdropping in on a conversation between two girls behind me. One girl was talking about a friend of hers who feels the need to be in a relationship with every new guy she meets and they were both judging her hard. Being a girl who has done that in the past I couldn’t help but feel compassion for their friend as I knew where she was coming from, and also the judgement from others who just simply didn’t get it. For me, there was one main reason why I felt the need to define and rush a relationship as soon as I met someone.

If I don’t define the relationship right away, I’ll lose the relationship

This belief is one of the most powerful, fearful beliefs that controlled me for a very long time while I was dating. Because of my fear of abandonment I tried everything I could to control a situation so I felt better.  I lacked faith and confidence and did not have a deep enough connection to myself to know that I’d be okay whether the relationship had a label or not. I was afraid that even if I did ask for the label that I’d be rejected anyway. My lack of self-love and self-trust ruled the way I conducted myself while dating and this anxious energy radiated out of me in all directions. My dates could feel this energy and were affected by it whether they were aware of it or not.  I put my own personal power and feeling of safety in others, in people that I barely knew because I had not healed my past wounds enough to be okay on my own. I was the queen of saying I was fine being single but my anxiety and need to force someone to feel a certain way totally contradicted that statement.

It wasn’t until I had done enough work on healing my past and connecting with my heart in the present moment that the anxiety and need to define a relationship lifted. I believe we are all entitled to ask for what we want, and in the relationship that I’m in now, I still brought up the exclusivity talk within the first month, but I did so with a calm, loving, accepting energy. I acknowledged my fears when it came to not knowing where we stood and I told my partner that I get very anxious if I’m dating someone and we don’t have a label. I was able to let go of the outcome and was not worried if he disagreed with me. He was completely ok with it though. Not once did he tell me labels were dumb or for people who couldn’t chill out. He respected my needs because I respected my own needs and had faith and trust in myself.