How I Finally got the Commitment from Others I was looking for

“The Biggest Commitment you must keep is your commitment to yourself”

~ Neale Donald Walsch

The word commitment holds a lot of preconceived notions and energy around it. It can be a heavy word and many people can feel trapped by it. If you are committed to something, it means your actions reflect this decision, not just your thoughts. When it comes to relationships, in today’s world, being committed means staying with your partner and not cheating on them emotionally or physically. But is that act alone enough to remain committed? Will that level keep a relationship healthy and strong, and when we are single and dating, is that all we should strive for when looking for our true loves? That they are willing to stay with us and not cheat? And is that the only level of commitment we should be giving to them?

I learned a very valuable lesson in my last relationship. This lesson was about commitment, but not from someone else as we generally like to think it is when in relationships. This lesson was about my commitment to myself, and why I had let it die. When I was single, my commitment to the things that made me feel good, that lifted me up and kept me connected to myself was easy. I had time and space to do these things and I had a goal in mind. Stay healthy and happy so you’ll be attractive to people which will help you find a relationship. This had been my reasoning for staying committed to things that made me feel good. I wasn’t committed for my own well-being, but so that I could get something from the outside world.

This reasoning became extremely important for me to become aware of later on down the road when my last relationship ended and my entire world came crashing down around me. I realized I had completely lost my commitment to myself and the reason I’d had in in the first place was not a solid one, or one that I wanted to continue with.

While in the relationship, because my intention had never been to remain true to myself in the first place, I lost myself very quickly and very easily. My world became one of hiding my feelings, trying to be cool with everything that went on and be easy going. I never wanted to rock the boat, disagree, or argue with my ex because I was afraid he’d fall out of love with me and then he’d leave. My commitment shifted from getting into a relationship to keeping a relationship and it was still never about me. This was because the thought of commitment actually scared the shit out of me. I realized this once I had some breathing room from the relationship after it ended and I began committing to myself again slowly. I was actually terrified of commitment, it’s something that used to make me feel trapped and I was scared of failing and being failed. I had lingering fears of being failed from my childhood and I lacked the feelings of worth that one requires in order to be able to stay committed to themselves and to require it from someone else. That was the key I learned. I needed to feel valued and loving towards myself before I would be open to commitment from myself or anyone else. It was the necessary ingredient, self-love, that had been missing all those years.

Upon realizing all of this, I began working on my self-worth and accepting the fact that I basically had none and this was the reason none of my relationships had worked out. I began to realize that if I wanted a commitment from someone else in the future, it had to begin with me, and my intentions had to be from a place of self-love rather than get-love.

I began reading books, committing to a daily meditation practice, journaling, eating better and trying new things. I made a commitment every day to build a new relationship with myself because I had learned that what I wanted from others needed to come from me first. Yes, I still wanted a relationship, but I knew that my actions needed to change and I could no longer sit and wish the relationship into existence. I had to focus and be dedicated to who I wanted to be and make a decision that I would never forget it.

My path has wavered from time to time, and I have missed my daily meditations, eaten food that did not make me feel great, and stopped journaling for periods of time, but had I not built that foundation in the first place, I would have surely fallen deep into the darkness of depression that almost took me away permanently when losing myself in past relationships.

I am here now because I have stayed committed to myself no matter what. I am in a wonderful relationship because being committed to myself allows me to navigate the ups and downs without pushing him away. I stand on solid foundation now and help others build the same for themselves because I know the pain of not having solid ground to stand on.